Crossroads Counseling, PLLC has moved from our former shared space to a new, dedicated office just 1.6 miles west of our old location. Our staff have been busy putting the finishing touches on the new space. We now have five therapy rooms, including a designated play-therapy room for children. We are also pleased to announce that Dr. Michele Wolf, PsyD. has joined our staff. Dr. Wolf is an experienced psychologist and we are blessed to have her with us. It is our hope to continue carrying forward the mission that Crossroads Counseling has had in our community for the past 25 years. We look forward to serving clients in our new space starting August 10th, 2015. If you would like to make an appointment please call our new phone number or email us.
I knew a young man that was out working in his garage and his wife said she was going to McDonalds to buy lunch for them. They said goodbye to one another and the young man worked on and waited. After a while he started to realize his wife should have been back by now. He went in the house and saw a note from his wife explaining she was leaving him. He instantly felt hurt, anger, rejection and betrayal.
Probably most of us have been hurt by another to some degree—maybe not as severe as a spouse leaving us, but none-the-less hurt. As humans we feel a sense of injustice has been done when we are hurt by others. It is natural to want to right the wrong and restore justice. Yet, as Christians we are told by the apostle Paul,
“Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, ‘I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19 NLT).
That may seem like a hard command to obey when you feel violated by someone. That statement/command may sound absurd to some of us. Instead of softening the blow of this command he goes on to state,
“Instead, do what the Scriptures say: “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.” Don’t let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good” (Romans 12:20-21 NLT).
Are you kidding me!? Not only is Paul telling me I cannot right my wrong, but I am supposed to love my enemy too!? One may think these ideas are ridiculous and even unhealthy. In the past, some psychologist believed that religion—especially Christianity—was the cause of most psychological disorders. Some thought commands like the one to forgive another were nothing but guilt-ridden statements by guilt-promoting religious nuts. Modern psychology is thankfully dropping those ideas. In fact look at an article from the Mayo clinic’s web site regarding the advantages of forgiveness (not holding a grudge).
What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
One thing to keep in mind; God gives us commands for our good. His commands are not to make our life more miserable—though at times we may believe they do. That is because we, like a child, don’t see the big picture. We give our children the “house rules” for their safety and because we care about them. Do they see it that way? Not usually. Often we hear, “You’re not fair!” Or “That rule is stupid! When I grow up I will not have any rules in my house!” etc…. That is because they don’t see the bigger picture. So God gives us instructions to forgive one another and not take justice into our own hands and like a child that doesn’t see the big picture we become angry. Legitimate questions arise: But why? Isn’t he a “just” God? Shouldn’t he want justice done? The answer is several-fold. Some of the reason he does not want us to take on the role of judicial punisher (avenger) are thus:
- We, as humans, do not know the right balance of justice and mercy—only God knows that.
- Humans do not know the right type of punishment to hand out that would be completely just. The man in the story above may want his wife locked up for 90 days in jail or he may want her to suffer physical pain. Are either of those completely just?
- What about timing? I may want to inflict justice (revenge) now! In doing so, would I be taking away precious time from the person that harmed me? Time that often gives the person a chance to think about what they’ve done and apologize. Many times—especially in marriages—couples take revenge right away and the other person counter-attacks and this turns into a cycle in the relationship. Many times when a person is left to think—and pray—they start to look at the hurt they’ve caused and seek to make it right.
These are just some of the reasons it is important for us humans to take the law into our own hands so to speak. (of course this is in regard to personal hurts that do not break our civil or criminal laws).
What if forgiveness?
One writer says that , “. . . a simple psychological definition of forgiveness: Forgiveness is the refusal to hurt the one who hurt you” (Richmond, Raymond Lloyd (2010-11-28). Anger and Forgiveness (p. 70). Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D.. Kindle Edition). The writer from the Mayo Clinic staff says, “Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge” http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
Notice that a choice of the will is involved not a FEELING. I can choose not to take revenge even though I am still very hurt and angry with the person that hurt me. Instead of sending the flaming email that berates and rips the person to shreds with my words I may write it then CHOOSE not to push the send button. (Writing it, but not sending is actually therapeutic).
What forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness is not forgetting the incident. It is not pretending I don’t have hurt or anger about the situation. It is not RECONCILIATION. To reconcile is good, but unfortunately it does not always happen, but forgiveness CAN always happen because that is something I (we) are have in our control. Reconciliation involves the person that inflicted the pain being sorry and making changes to not hurt again. The inflictor may never apologize. That is hard to take, but again, forgiveness can still happen. I can still choose not take revenge.
Why is forgiveness also a psychological preferable choice?
In his book “Anger and Forgiveness” Dr. Richmond explains that the reason forgiveness is “psychologically preferable to holding a grudge” is “because the bitterness of a grudge works like a mental poison that doesn’t hurt anyone but yourself (p. 71). That is so true! How many times have I spent time and energy scheming up ways to hurt a person that hurt me? I used to work with a man that harbored a grudge against his ex-wife for more than 20 years. This took an enormous toll on his spiritual, emotional and psychological well-being. This person was in the hospital with terminal cancer and I went to visit him. He had been looking back on his life and was realizing the cost his unforgiveness had on his family and his life. When the subject of forgiveness came up his countenance changed from reflective to rage. He said he will “NEVER forgive that %$#@$$%%%!” Unfortunately he died holding on to the grudge. He died an angry, bitter and stressful person. The sad thing is his ex-wife was not suffering; he was!
It seems wise to put all the emotional energy into taking steps toward forgiveness because that brings us well-being and stop putting energy into holding grudges—which brings us distress.
There are many resources regarding forgiveness. One place to start—beside the scriptures—is this web site: http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/index.html
– Dave Chatel, MA, LLP
My wife and I took a trip “up north” to the sunrise side of the state in September. We met some friends up there and enjoyed biking and swimming in Lake Huron (at least two of us braved the cold water). As we drove around the East Tawas—Oscoda area I was thinking about how much I liked growing up there as a boy. I was an “up north” kid—that was my identity. My back yard was 75 feet of sandy beach and my pool was Lake Huron. The summers were filled with playing all day in the sand and lake. The winters were filled with miles of frozen water to skate, slide and explore. Out my front door were acres of woods. You could explore for miles and not see anything but woods and wildlife of all sorts. At age 12 we moved to “the city”—actually a suburb of Detroit, but to a 12-year-old “up north” kid it was a city! I looked around for water and only found a public swimming pool—that you had to pay money to enter! It was filled with kids elbowing and jostling each other. Ice skating? That turned out to be a small, walled oval rink packed with people jammed together and going around and around and around—no miles of ice to myself!. Woods and wildlife consisted of a few trees in the park and some lazy, fat squirrels. I didn’t know who I was—I lost my identity!
As humans the question, “Who am I?” is an important, but often confusing one. I have met a few people in my life that were adopted by parents that abused them. This is not a knock on adopted parents—I believe the majority are very loving. Just like anything in this fallen world there are a few that are not so loving. The question is sometimes asked by the adopted adult child, “Why go through the expense and energy to adopt a child only to abuse them?” I have heard some people in that situation conclude, “It must be because that is all I am worth.” They believe they do not deserve anything but abuse!
These are a few examples of identity crisis. But is there a RIGHT identity that one can build on that leads toward wholeness, fulfillment and meaning? The good news is YES! The gospel (good news) message is that humans that are separated from God due to sin can be forgiven and born (or born again) into God’s family. Paul the apostle says, “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God. . .” (Romans 8:15-16). This adopted father never calls his children worthless or abuses them! He would not do that because he made us! We are his creation. He tells us we are valuable, loved, thought about, secure, and safe in his care. He sent his son to die so that we, his creation, could have life and relationship with him.
Several years after my transition from “up north” kid to “city kid” I had another identity change. I accepted the gospel message, repented of my sins and received the gift of grace offered to all humans. I was born again into God’s family—adopted! This new family came with a new identity. I didn’t know much about my identity “in Christ” because the knowledge of our identities do not instantly fill our souls at conversion. I have had to learn and grow into my identity “in Christ.” That was almost 40 years ago and I am still learning about my identity “in Christ.” As a believer, a pastor and a counselor I am convinced that the more people learn and grow in their identity “in Christ” the more fulfilling and meaningful life becomes—not problem free of course.
HOW DO WE GROW?
Growing in our new identities “in Christ” means we need to be INTENTIONAL. I am offering 3 ways that can be helpful.
1) We need to approach learning about our identity as we would a treasure hunt. The book of Proverbs gives us a beautiful picture of learning about God (which is learning about our identity)
“My child, listen to me and treasure my instructions. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them as you would for lost money or hidden treasure. Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the LORD grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:1-6 NLT).
There are many great resources out there that can help us grow in that area. Below are a few starts:
2) A second resource is the Holy Spirit. We need power to grasp the dimensions of our faith because our finite minds are limited. Paul the apostle shows us how we can have intentional prayers to God the Holy Spirit that will help us.
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge– that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3:16-21).
3) A third way to grow is fellowship. The early church looked like this: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer” (Acts 2:42).
Going to church on a regular basis, hearing God’s word and fellowship is a great way to grow in our identity “in Christ.” Many churches offer small groups fellowships. Or, you could start a group that focuses on our identity “in Christ.”
I am convinced that growing in one’s identity “in Christ” is one of the most beneficial and important things a person can do to gain well-being. I pray that God will help all of us who struggle with the question, “Who am I?” find peace, contentment, fulfillment, and meaning in the identity God designed for us.
– Dave Chatel, MA, LLP
“Yada yada yada!” Every heard that before—beside on a Seinfeld episode? That is a frustrating statement to hear because it sends a message: “My concerns are not important or valid.” Couples researcher Dr. John Gottman found a big problem in communication observing couples. A cycle where each person keeps saying something over and over trying to get the other to hear them. (A Couples Guide to Communication.) One person makes a statement and the other responds in a way that sends a message that they did not hear/understand what they said. One person is trying to state a thought, concern or feeling to the other; and the response back is—yada yada yada. In other words, your statements are not valid! “Yada”= Your statements do not make sense to me, they “shouldn’t” be that, they are wrong!” (invalid) What does invalidated person do? They continue to restate or summarize their concern over and over in different ways to try to get their concern validated. When two people are both doing this communication becomes frustrating and often results in an argument. How can couples stop this syndrome from happening?
What is validation? In a word, validation is seeing things from the standpoint of the other person. It is living out the old adage “walk a mile in their shoes.” It is saying that for THIS PERSON, given their set of circumstances, it is reasonable and true that they are feeling the way they are (or are concerned about whatever they are concerned about). Validating IS NOT agreeing with the person. I don’t have to agree, like it, or even understand it. It IS saying that it is possible that the other person’s viewpoint or feeling is real FOR THEM. Validation can end the cycle of each person restating their point—then defending it—over and over.
How can I validate my partner? One way to think about validating in a conversation is to think of changing roles. In conversations people usually have the same role. Both are speaker/listeners. To facilitate validation the couple each take a different role. One is teacher and the other student (don’t worry you can switch off later). For validation to happen one person (or both) has to STOP restating his/her point (or feelings) and become the student. The student wants to learn from the teacher.
A little aside: I realize that these roles may seem degrading. Couples don’t want to think of your spouse as a teacher scolding or correcting you. From a Christian worldview these roles can be positive instead of negative. Christians are called to serve one another. Jesus was called “teacher” or “master” by his disciples. In John’s gospel we find Jesus—the teacher—washing his student’s—disciples–feet. After he cleaned their muddy feet he said,
“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them” (John 13:14-17 NIV84)
Many times in conversation with my spouse I want to be right or I want to convince my spouse that they I am right and they are wrong. I want to come out a winner! It is humbling to put aside my agenda and take on the role of a student. Yet Jesus said if we do these things we will be “blessed.” The blessing of validation is experiencing communication and love at a greater level.
Ok, back to the nuts and bolts of validating. The teacher—the other person—tells the student what they are trying to say—or how they feel. The student’s job is to listen intently because he/she wants to pass the test! The student wants to get it right. The student feeds back what they learned from the teacher. The teacher then can affirm or correct the student. The student then makes corrections and asks if the correction is right. This process continues until what the teacher is saying matches what the student is hearing. This usually ends with some form of “yes! That is exactly how I feel” or “That is exactly what I am saying.” I love it when I see couples who had been caught in the cycle of restatement practice validation for the first time. The whole atmosphere changes! The folded arms drop and the angry postures start to melt. When you have been screaming for days, months or years in your marriage for your spouse to “hear” you (meaning validate you) and they finally do – it is incredibly healing.
Validation is not the solution to all communication problems or problems in general. Sometimes couples will practice validation and love the “blessing” they get from it, but then realize they still have unresolved issues. Validation is NOT problem solving—that is a different skill for another blog. Validation can facilitate the environment needed for problem solving to happen. My “yada” IS valid and so is yours. I may not like your “yada”, I may not understand it, and certainly may not agree with it, but it is, after all, YOUR “yada.”
– Dave Chatel, MA, LLP